In his biweekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that what we do is our business and does not affect anybody else. That lie feels safe. It feels protective. It gives us space to justify our behavior, escape consequences, and avoid reflection. But it is not true. The way we move through the world, how we speak, how we show up, how we lead, how we handle conflict, always impacts the people connected to us. We are not islands. We are deeply interwoven, and emotional intelligence forces us to confront that reality.
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 introduced me to the concept of relationship management as one of the core EQ skills. It is the part of emotional intelligence that deals directly with how we navigate relationships, especially under pressure. After self-awareness and self-management, relationship management is the space where those internal skills get tested externally. It is one thing to know yourself. It is another to regulate yourself. But can you still lead with clarity, respect, and accountability when emotions are high, stakes are personal, and egos are in the room? That is the grown folks’ work.
We throw the word accountability around like it is a buzzword, but few people understand the depth it requires in the context of relationships. Accountability is not just saying “my bad” when you mess up. It is not the surface-level apology or the public performance of regret. Real accountability in relationships means owning the ripple effects of your actions. It means choosing growth over ego and responsibility over deflection. It means listening to someone when they tell you how your actions impacted them and resisting the urge to become defensive. That takes emotional intelligence. That takes strength. That takes the maturity to recognize that relationships are not built on perfection, they are built on honesty, ownership, and the willingness to course-correct.
A lot of us grew up in environments where emotional discipline was misunderstood. Some of us were taught to stay quiet and mind our business. Others were raised in households where emotional explosions were normal, and apologies rarely followed. We learned survival, not accountability. We learned how to react, not how to reflect. And when those lessons go unchallenged, we carry them into our adult relationships, unaware of the damage they cause. We blame others for our triggers, call correction “hate,” and cut people off the moment we feel uncomfortable. That is not empowerment. That is avoidance. That is fear wearing the mask of independence.
I am thankful that I have people in my life who hold me accountable—not just for what I say, but for how I say it, when I say it, and who I say it to. These are not “yes” people. These are not fans or followers. These are friends, mentors, and partners who are more committed to my growth than to my comfort. They challenge me when I step out of alignment. They check in when I withdraw. They remind me that leadership is not just about vision, it is about how you treat people on the way there. And I do my best to do the same for them. That is what a real relationship looks like.
Relationship management is about consistency, not convenience. It is about how you communicate when things are not going your way. It is about how you respond when someone disappoints you. It is about how you navigate disagreement without turning it into disrespect. Strong relationships are not built in moments of peace; they are tested and strengthened in moments of tension. If every relationship in your life collapses when someone holds you accountable, it might be time to examine whether you are really committed to connection or just addicted to control.
One of the most important lessons I have learned in this season is that correction is not rejection. When someone points out a blind spot or asks you to change a harmful behavior, they are not attacking you, hey are inviting you to grow. They are making space for the relationship to deepen. But if you cannot hear that without feeling personally attacked, you will sabotage every meaningful connection in your life. Emotional intelligence gives you the tools to receive feedback, process it, and respond with intention instead of insecurity.
So here is what I am practicing: I am asking for feedback. I am listening more than I am speaking. I am pausing before I respond, especially when I feel triggered. I am checking my tone, even when I believe I am right. I am apologizing without needing to be asked. I am extending grace, but I am also telling the truth. Because accountability is not one-sided. It is a shared responsibility. It is what makes relationships resilient. It is what keeps communities from crumbling under the weight of pride and ego.
We were never meant to do life alone. And we definitely were not meant to do it unexamined. Accountability does not diminish who you are, it reveals who you are becoming. It requires people, process, and presence. So, the next time you are tempted to shut down or lash out, remember this: we are not islands. And the people in your life are not disposable. They are mirrors, partners, and co-laborers in your growth. None of us are an island; and we are better for it.
Choose accountability. Choose maturity. Choose connection. That is the real work.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. Visit thecasualword.com.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
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